


i'm in trauma (it's got me singing)

by teddygirl105



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Compliant, Gen, Lies, Psychological Trauma, but then things go to hell anyways, changmin is hiding things too but they don't need to know that lol, sunwoo makes a fake facade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 11:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18777175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: Sunwoo hides himself due to past memories and fear. The others are determined to help.





	i'm in trauma (it's got me singing)

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know what this is nor what the ending is bc I'm spontaneous all the time
> 
> title is from SEVENTEEN's Trauma
> 
> stan seventeen and the boyz

If you asked the members what their first impressions of Sunwoo was, most of them would probably say the same thing.

Cool and reserved.

It wasn’t necessarily bad. He had been open to all of them and was friendly, but there was something about him. As if he was suppressing a part himself. At first, it didn’t seem like much, but the more they got to know him, the more it seemed like this wasn’t the Sunwoo they were supposed to see.

They were right. This, chic and seemingly tough exterior was merely a mask to hide what was his true self deep inside. It wasn’t to be a cool guy, he had his reasons. Bullying during middle school had caused him to close up and hide away, and his tough guy act would intimidate his classmates.

He was alone, but Sunwoo deemed it better than being bullied relentlessly.

Over time, his act became easy to hold, and it wasn’t long until it completely overshadowed his normal self. What he used to call “himself” felt so foreign to him, so much to the point that not even his family could tell what had happened.

In entered The Boyz. The first people that had managed to pry him out of his mask.

Jacob, being the second oldest in the group, was attentive to everyone’s personalities. He could easily pick out when they were having a bad day despite how well they would try and hide it.

With Sunwoo’s case, it was a bit… different. Since day one, Jacob could tell that there was something off. He could see it in his eyes, something that made him seem distant.

He had told Sangyeon about it, and even Kevin, but it just seemed like no one believed him. Jacob was worried, hating how he was only able to watch Sunwoo act his way through everything. This lasted all the way through his trainee days and to their debut.

One day, he finally decided to confront him. A simple outing at a cafe to just chat and talk, and Sunwoo took the bait easily.

“Hyung, what’s the occasion? We don’t usually hang out together.” he commented, walking in time with Jacob.

“That’s exactly why. It’s been awhile since we just chatted together, the two of us. Besides, it’s on me today.” As soon as those words escaped his lips, Sunwoo’s eyes lit up, beginning to skip along the sidewalk.

They eventually arrived at a cafe the group frequented ever since trainee days, being warmly greeted by the staff that were there. The two of them quickly grabbed some drinks before sitting at a corner table for some privacy.

“So, how have you been doing these days? We haven’t been able to check up on each other.” Jacob started, taking a sip of his flat white.

“I’ve been fine. It’s been fun with promotions and interacting with fans, and as tiring as it is, it’s super worth it. I’m sure you can say the same, can’t you hyung?” he said, and Jacob nodded.

“For sure.”

They talked for a bit, just about random things and certain parts of their schedule before Jacob finally got to the reason he called Sunwoo out here.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Sunwoo looked at Jacob with confusion, wondering why he had become so serious. “Yeah, hit me.”

“Who are you really?”

At first, Sunwoo had no idea what the hell Jacob was trying to say. All he could do was laugh. “Well, for starters, my name is Kim Sunwoo-”

“You know what I’m talking about.” he interrupted, almost growling at him. The look in his eyes was absolutely menacing, as if a switch had been flipped. Sunwoo was startled, speechless.

“I-”

“Ever since I met you, there was something that was constantly bugging me. I could see something that the others couldn’t. This cool and collected personality you put up all the time? It’s fake. I know it is. Your eyes show it all, Sunwoo. This isn’t the _you_ you’re supposed to be. Tell me. Why are you hiding?” he pleaded.

Sunwoo bit his lip, averting his eyes from Jacob. He didn’t expect to be confronted like this, but he should have known. An outing with just the two of them? He had fallen right into this trap.

“Please, tell me.” Jacob whispered, trying to coax him. “I just want to help.”

Sunwoo could feel the world closing in on him, his breathing becoming uneven as dread began to settle in his throat. He didn’t like this. He didn’t want to tell Jacob. But he already knew. There was no backing out now.

He felt something grasp his hands, and he looked down to see Jacob’s hands around his, their warmth helping to ease away his nerves. “It’s okay.” he whispered. “Nothing can hurt you.”

Licking his lips, Sunwoo took a deep breath. He began to talk, telling Jacob everything. The truth of his actions, and why he did it. As the story progressed, he noticed how Jacob’s face slowly morphed into one of pity.

When he had finished, it was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Sunwoo never really talked to people about his problems, but finally being able to was relieving.

After a long silence, Jacob spoke. “Thank you,” he started. “for telling me everything.”

“No, thank you hyung. For giving me the push to do so.”

“Do you feel a bit better?” he asked, and Sunwoo nodded.

“Yeah. You’re the first person I’ve told in years. Do you… think I can do something about this?” Jacob gently began stroking his thumbs across Sunwoo’s knuckles in a soothing manner, thinking.

“...Yes, I think so. But it’ll take more than just me to help. With such a traumatic experience like this, we’ll need more support. You should probably tell the others.”

“T-The others? But-”

“It doesn’t have to be now. Just, whenever you’re ready, I’ll round them all up. I know they’ll be open to help. They’d do anything to help you.” Jacob spoke, the concern in his eyes evident. “Promise that you’ll tell them one day?” He let go of Sunwoo’s hands and stuck out his pinky finger.

Sunwoo curled his around it, sealing their promise with the pad of their thumbs. “...Yeah. I will soon. Just, keep it a secret for now, okay?” he muttered.

 

* * *

 

Soon was a bit of an understatement.

No matter how much he wanted to, Sunwoo didn’t feel ready to tell the others yet. He knew that they’d help him, but for some reason, he was scared. Scared that they’d reject him because this entire time, he was being fake.

He didn’t want to be alone again.

He had Jacob on his side, but Sangyeon or one of the other members would force him to stay away. He would be abandoned once again.

It took a long time for Sunwoo to muster up the courage. Before he knew it, they had their first comeback in April and finished promotions for Giddy up in June. It had been many months since Jacob confronted him, and it felt like he was breaking their promise.

It was now or never.

 **[sunwoo]  
** _please meet @ practice room A in 10 min_  
_I need to tell all of you something._ _it’s important._  
_and… I’m sorry in advance._

Sunwoo was already in the practice room, having come in to clear his mind. Today was one of those days where everyone was doing their own thing in the company, so he knew that they’d arrive in the time given.

Jacob and Kevin were the first to arrive. They sat down with Sunwoo, and though smiles were exchanged, the air was still tense. Jacob gave him a weary look, raising his eyebrows, and Sunwoo nodded.

_‘Are you telling them?’_

_‘Yes.’_

The others trickled in one by one, until they were all present, sitting in a circle. No one really knew what to say in order to break the tension and silence.

“So, what’s up?” Hyunjae started, hoping it would be enough to initiate conversation.

“It’s not everyday you call us over to talk. Is there something wrong?” Sangyeon asked, and Sunwoo licked his lips, pulling his knees closer to his chest.

“...I want to tell you guys about my past.” he started, his gaze on the floor. “There’s a lot of things I haven’t told you guys, but I figured that you deserve to know.”

Everyone was deathly silent. Sunwoo… never talked about his past, at least not before his first year of high school. To be honest, they didn’t know much about him. There was definitely a reason why he was telling them this only now.

“When I was in my first year of middle school, there was a girl in my class. She was really nice to me, but for some reason she’d get bullied all the time. It pissed me off that no one did anything to help her, so one day I mustered up the courage to talk back.”

“I regretted it instantly. Instead of resolving the problem, it only got worse. I became their target. Now I was the one being bullied and beat up everyday, and forced to endure it. I wanted to move away. I couldn’t move away. Our financial situation wasn’t the best at the time.”

“After two years of this treatment, I finally fought back. Literally. I beat them all up. I was suspended for a month, but it was worth it. It was so worth it to finally be free from their clutches. But when I came back, everyone avoided me like the plague. They were scared of me. Scared that I would beat them up too if they interacted with me.”

“I was alone. I didn’t have any friends in my last year, but it was better than being bullied. I told myself that everytime I felt hopeless. That being alone was better than being beat up everyday.”

“Over time, I kept up the tough guy act. Fought with people. Pretended to be nonchalant and uncaring. Before I knew it, it became natural to me. It was like the old me was long forgotten and tossed away. But in reality, it was still there. Deep inside, repressed into a tight corner, begging to be let out.”

Sunwoo could feel tears forming, his throat closing in as his words became harder to speak. “I haven’t acted like myself in years.” he spoke, his voice breaking.

“So… you’ve been…?” Younghoon trailed off.

“Lying to you? Yes.” Sunwoo finished. “I- I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys earlier, that I’ve been lying this entire time and that the me that you know isn’t _me._ ” he choked, trying his best to keep his tears in.

“I understand if you see me in a different way and feel the need to distance yourself. I’m used to it.” Sunwoo was biting the inside of his mouth, nails digging into his palms in order to keep his composure.

“Used to it? To what?” Chanhee asked, still taking some time to understand everything.

“Being pushed away.”

It was like a knife had been stabbed into their hearts. To think, Sunwoo was used to being alone. He was used to being betrayed. Just the fact that they now knew how long he had been suffering for made their stomachs twist.

“Why do you think we’ll push you away just because we now know the truth? Do you really not trust us?” Eric asked, but before Sunwoo could answer, Kevin intervened.

“It’s because of his psychological trauma, Eric.” Kevin spoke, lightly scolding him. “Repetition of the same events, in this case ones that have resulted from bullying, end up altering one’s mindset and changes their expectations. In Sunwoo’s case, with everyone being afraid of him, he was alone for a long time, but those repetitive events stopped. He now thinks that if things go bad, being alone is his solution to amend things. He assumes that putting on his act and being ignored is better than trying to be himself, because he now correlates his true self to being bullied.” he explained.

“...”

“I don’t blame him for thinking like that, living through two years of constant bullying and one year of isolation forces you to adapt accordingly.”

Sunwoo just pulled his knees closer to his chest. Curse Kevin for being interested in psychology in high school and being really good at reading him.

“You explained it better than I could have done.” Sunwoo joked, a small smile on his face, but no one found it funny.

“But- Surely this hasn’t been the case at school, right? You’ve been doing fine in Hanlim, right? You’re far away from Busan now.” Sangyeon spoke, his tone worried.

“Hanlim is fine. One or two of my bullies had transferred here, but we don’t interact. We’re in different classes.” Sunwoo answered.

“So you’re scared.” Changmin suddenly spoke. Sunwoo looked at him, confused. “It’s been three years since this happened, and yet you still keep the act up. There should be no reason to, three years in a different school where the environment is drastically different than back then should be plenty of time to grow out of your act and start new. No one knew your past anyways. Yet, you’re still putting it on.”

“I don’t understand.” he mumbled.

“You know how easily it is to be betrayed. How people turn their back on you in just a split second. You’re scared that it’ll happen again. And despite this feeling inside you, despite knowing that you could have helped yourself, you didn’t. You coward.” he hissed.

“Changmin!” Jacob yelled. “What the hell are you doing!”

“I’m waking him up, that’s what.” Changmin growled. “Hyung, you knew this for so long, and you decided to trust Sunwoo to tell us himself. We could have resolved this earlier if you just told us yourself!”

“How the hell did you even know I knew?”

“It’s easy to figure out, hyung. You know everyone like the back of your hand, so I only guessed.” Turning back to Sunwoo, his expression softened. “You can’t be afraid to ask for help, Sunwoo. Even if you don’t think so, there will be someone that can help.”

“Changmin is right.” Juyeon intervened. “Somethings can’t be fixed by yourself. And even if you’re scared, sometimes that risk is worth it.”

“I know I’m being harsh on you, but I really can’t be soft if something like this has been going on for years. You need to grow out of the mindset you have at the moment.” Scooting over to where Sunwoo was, Changmin grabbed his hands, holding them tightly.

“You need to trust us.” he whispered, a small smile on his face. It seemed…. sorrowful. “You can do that, right?”

Sunwoo nodded, slowly letting his tears out. The others all crowded around, comforting him until he felt better. Not having to hide anymore… though it felt so foreign to him, Sunwoo had never felt as light as this before.

Maybe Changmin had been right in calling him a coward. It was right of him to act that way, otherwise he would have never been able to escape.

He could do better.

 

* * *

 

“Changmin?”

Said man looked beside him to see Jacob. He had separated away from the group to watch them talk to Sunwoo, reassuring him and make him feel better in general.

“What’s up, hyung?” he asked as Jacob stepped next to him.

“Do you have anything to say? Is there anything you’re hiding from us?”

A million thoughts went through Changmin’s head. How he hated how easily Jacob could read people. How he went through something similar to Sunwoo. How he went through his pain alone and forced himself to become better alone. How he wasn’t woken up from his thoughts by someone else, and instead battled through each day, telling himself over and over again to be better.

How he was envious of Sunwoo for being able to get that help.

But instead, Changmin just shook his head, his signature smile on his face.

“Of course not, hyung. I’ve bared my soul to all of you already.”

The lie slipped out of his mouth so easily, so convincing and easy to digest. Jacob took it instantly, nodding his head and giving Changmin a pat on the shoulder before continuing to watch.

It left a bitter taste in his mouth.

It didn’t matter if he decided to tell them anyways. He was better now. There was no need for them to know.

**Author's Note:**

> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/teddygirl105)   
>  [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/teddygirl05)


End file.
